It almost felt like love
by BreatheSemperMea
Summary: Song fic about Sara Ramirez Version of It almost felt like love. Is it enough just to be in love?


_We sat at the ocean_**  
**_we talked in the dark_**  
**_the wind made it chilly_**  
**_but I felt a spark_

**Summer 2005**

She sat down by the beach. The sand hadcooled down from the heat of the day. The long, dark and wavy mane was blowing intoher face, but for the first time in months she felt so very much alive. Her lungs were filled with the typical sense of the sea and freedom while the water mirrored the moon and every new wave softly flushed against her feet. **  
**She didn't pay attention to the footsteps behind her. All she could focus on was the throbbing in her chest that was still not going away, but grew every time when memories filled her heart and head. Memories that were always full of joy and love in the beginning but which were doomed to turn into pain and heartache.**  
"**Calliope?", she heard a voice behind her. She didn't need to turn around to know who was calling her. There were only four people in her life she would ever allow to call her by her real first name. Three of them were her family, and the last one was her best friend for many, so many years.**  
"**Arizona", it came as a whisper. She couldn't speak, her tears filled her voice and silenced it. Calliope. Only three people would now be allowed to call her that.**  
"**Here." Arizona sat downbeside her and put a blanket around her shoulders. It hugged both women and kept them warm with ease. The goosebumps slowly started to disappear as the fabric adjusted to the heat of their bodies.**  
"**I miss her", Callie admitted and continued to stare at the ocean meeting the horizon. Three months ago she'd lost her Mum to cancer and she still couldn't believe that it was ever going to geteasier. Even with being a surgeon herself, she couldn't believe it.**  
**They satin silence for a while. The beautiful Latina was caught in the memories of her Mum, but everything she needed was here, with her. Arizona. The only person Callie would always run to, if things went wrong, if life was not going according to her plan. It was so easy with Arizona. It's always been that way. Arizona wouldn't ask any questions. She wouldn't interrogate. She would wait until Callie would come to her.**  
"**I am engaged", Arizona said softly while tucking a few golden strands behind her ear.**  
**Callie turned her head and looked at her best friend in what could only be described as confusion. Blue eyes met brown and all of a sudden, her world got brighter and better. Arizona looked at her with nothing but understanding and love in her eyes. And though she took her time to take a few deep breaths, she couldn't hold back her tears. She was in love with Arizona. She had beenin love with her for so many years now she stopped counting because still, she was married to Mark. Because her family wanted her to. Because she once thought she was in love with him too. And it made her parents happy. "That is...I mean...wow."**  
"**Yep", Arizona answered. "I wanted you to be the first person to know, after all, you're still the most important person in my life, Calliope."**  
"**Second...Joanne."**  
"**I love Joanne." It was the most difficult statement she'd made in her entire life. She loved Joanne, she really did. But those feelings could never even come close enough to the feelings she had for her best friend. After all this years, Calliope was still her first thought in the morning and the last atnightfall.**  
"**So, you're happy?"**  
**She could have said no. She could have told Callie the truth. But they had beenplaying this game for all these years now. Every summer they would spend two weeks with their lovers at the little beach that belongedto Callie's family, each couple in a house of their own, and every year Arizona would fall in love with Calliope all over again. The Latina with those really dark brown eyes, Arizona got lost in them every time she looked at her. She seemed to growmore beautiful every year. Even now, exhausted from the last year, she was glowing and leteverything else around her fade away. For Arizona, Calliope was the one. Her one. It hadalways been her. "Yes", she answered and lied to her best friend. For herself and for Callie.**  
"**Good." Her gaze followed the waves getting lost in the darkness surrounding them. She didn't look at Arizona. Every night the blonde angel beside her filled her dreams. With those eyes as blue as the sky and as deep as the bluest ocean. They haunted her, but at the same time they gave her so much strength.**  
"**Mark's doing alright?"**  
"**Always", Callie answered without looking up.

**"**Good."

_The night wasn't perfect_

_These things never are_

_But it almost felt like love_

Calliope?"**  
"**Arizona..."**  
"**Why did you marry him?" The same question every year.**  
"**Why didn't you stop me back then?", Callie countered every damn year. "You knew I was...am in love with you. You knew and didn't do anything."**  
"**I've always wanted you to be happy. I couldn't...I wasn't able to give you what Mark gave you."**  
"**But I would have been happy", she said, her eyes locked on the sand.**  
"**Without your family? No, Calliope, no. I would never take your family away from you, I could never stand to see you unhappy because you would have missed them so much. You're a Torres, for Christ sake. You may not live in the same city, but you still have your family."**  
**Callie couldn't understandwhy they were having this conversation again. Years had past since she'd married Mark. Arizona had moved over to Boston a few months after and Callie's life was still in Seattle. But the truth was, she only felt alive, when she was with Arizona every summer. Two weeks. A fortnight. A tiny portionof a year was all it took to give her the strength to be the person she knew Arizona would want her to be. To survive the rest of the year. It gave her a reason to wake up every day, to finish her cartilage research. It had never been Mark, nor his words. It wasn't for her family's money, which was a big help for her research though. But it was Arizona's faith in her. Her words. "Would you want me to stop you?"**  
"**Calliope, I..."**  
"**Answer me, Arizona. Would you want me to? If it wasn't for Mark, would you want me to stop you from marrying Joanne?"**  
**Arizona waited for a moment and closed her eyes. It didn't matter anymore. It wouldn't change a thing. Mark and Joanne would still be there when she opened her blue orbs. "No", she said and lied again to her best friend.**  
"**Do you wanna know the last words Mama said to me?"**  
"**If you want me to know?" she asked.**  
"**She told me to be happy, Arizona. I am not happy. Mark doesn't make me happy and Mum always knew. I love him, I really do, but not more than I could ever love my best friend. Strange, right? I married the man I would rather call my best friend and I am so much in love with the woman I still call my best friend. It would rip me apart, Arizona, if my heart would not beat for Sofia." She got up and handed the blanket over to Arizona. "Promise me to alwaysbehappy, Arizona", she said and it sounded too much likea goodbye for Arizona to not react to it.**  
**She took her hand and got up as well, just a little faster than Callie did. "Calliope", her face was mere inches away from her true love.**  
****"**Arizona, we can't...you're engaged."**  
"**And you're married." And just a second later she crashed her lips onto the plump ones of the Latina. Both relaxed into the kiss that was able to say so much more than words could ever dream to express. The blondes tongue peaked out and caressed the Callies bottom lip, asking for permission. Callie willingly granted her access. Arizona could have everything she wanted. Everything and much more. Neither of them could hide the fireworks as their tongues danced together a dance only Callie and Arizona knew the steps to. And even as they broke away from the kiss, their hearts were still dancing on, as they hadfor years. Together in a way, but in still apart from each other in reality.**  
"**As every year?", Arizona asked. Her eyes were shining so bright in the moonlight and on her lips was the lightest and cutest smile, revealing her dimples.**  
"**As every year" Callie answered and made her way back to the beach house.

_You laughed and I flirted_**  
**_We walked hand in hand_**  
**_My hair was a mess_**  
**_All entangled with sand_

**Summer 2006**

I thought you wouldn't show up", Callie teased as Arizona and Joanne pulled up in the driveway of the neighboring beach house.**  
"**Arizona checked about fifty times if she'd packed her damn bikini." Joanne grabbed a suitcase from the trunk and made her way into the house.**  
"**Two weeks on a beach without my bikini would have been a waste of time, Joanne", the blonde shouted back and rolled her eyes.**  
"**You could have bought a new one", Callie suggested.**  
"**Oh, I could have. But I know just oh too well, how hot you think I look in that tight blue bikini, Calliope", she flirted. She wouldn't have said it, if it wasn't for Joanne being out of reach. "Shut your mouth, Calliope. It's not nice to stare at people" she laughed and took the second case into the house.**  
"**Hey, uhm, Mark said lunch would be ready in a few."**  
"**Awesome, we'll be there."

How are you doing?", Callie asked. Lunch went by excruciatingly slow. But now, Mark and Joanne were back in one of the houses, sitting in front of the TV watching football. Or baseball. Or was it basketball? Callie couldn't care less. Because now she got to spent time with Arizona, walking along the beach. There was so much to talk about. Every year it gave them time to catch up.**  
"**Ugh good, I guess." She choked. "Joanne's doing most of the organizing stuff alone, with me being the new Head of PEDS."**  
"**You're what? That's great, Arizona! The hospital really appreciates your work, when you've been promoted to Head of PEDS after being an attendant for barely a year. But", she looked at her best friend who looked exhausted and tired, "it's a lot of work, huh?"**  
"**One hell of a lot. Incompetent interns and residents who obviously are too dumb to do the charts properly because their brains are stuck in their guts, thinking about who they could screw during their next lunch." She laughed. "But still, it's all I've ever wanted." It was just a small part of her dream, though. She buried the biggest part of her dream years ago. Six years ago. "How are you? How's Sofia?"**  
"**Good. Great, I guess, she's with my Daddy. I bet he's spoiling her right now, but it's good to see he's still able to smile."**  
"**How old is she?"**  
"**About to turnfive." She laughed a bit. "Times running really fast sometimes."

"Wow, five years old. I bet she looks more and more like you every day, having your dominant Latin-genes running through her.." "Yeah, five years", Callie said, trying to ignore the last part Arizona said. Five years plus one and she got the amount of years she was married to Mark. And at the same time it was the period of time she had longed for Arizona to be by her side, every day and night. "So, have you picked a date?"

"Well, not a date yet, but we agreed it should be very close to our vacation. There won't be much of a chance for a honeymoon instead. Doctors. We barely have enough time to sleep and eat, right?" Callie nodded. "You and Mark, you're okay?"  
"Yes", she lied. Truth was, they were far from being okay. She was looking for excuses every night why she had to stay at the hospital or the guestroom, or even on the couch. Mark had been a little pushy the last few weeks. Said, it was the perfect time to give Sofia a little brother or sister. But every time he mentioned it, she locked him out or pushed him away. She didn't love him. What else could she do? "Good." They walked in silence for a while, contend to just be near each other. Both were absorbing the energy it gave them, it had to last another year. Arizona's arm brushed Callie from time to time as they walked and it shot jolts of joy and happiness through their veins. Butterflies tingled in the pit of their stomachs, but neither Arizona nor the Latina would ever dare to destroy the other one's life. Arizona's fingers searched for Callie's and intertwined with them. Both felt it. It felt right. Their hearts were beating in the same rhythm, for years now. They understood each other without words and their bodies were always attracted to each other like two magnets. Still, none of them would take the first step. Because of fear, maybe. Maybe it was due to respect. "As every year?", the blonde asked.  
"As every year", Callie answered before their lips met for two seconds.

_It wasn't romantic _

_Not a moon nor a star_

_But it almost felt like love_

_Tell me again _

_How you long to touch my skin _

_Dangle your heart before my eyes _

_I hear your voice _

_And I haven't any choice_

_ But to believe your lies_

**Summer 2007**

"You can't marry her!", Callie rushed into Arizona's room. "Calliope, what are doing here?"  
"You can't marry Joanne, Arizona. You're not in love with her." She would not make the same mistake Arizona did a few years ago. She would stop her. She was late, like, really late, so that Arizona stood in front of her in a white dress, looking so beautiful. But she was here now. She was here and she was telling Arizona not to marry Joanne. "I do."  
"Who are you trying to convince, Arizona. Me? Or yourself? Look at me. Look at my face and tell me, you love her more than you love me. Look me in the eyes and tell me, you lied when you showed up at my door five weeks ago at 2pm, whispering all the words I wanted to hear for so many years, Arizona. Tell me, that night didn't mean anything to you, that you're not still thinking about it. That you didn't feel more alive that night than in all those years."  
"Calliope, please..."  
"Look at me and tell me it was all just one big lie. That you can forget me and move on. That it means nothing that I am the one who can make you come so hard and intense that you are not able to think straight for hours after your powerful orgasm. Tell me that it is not my skin you want to touch every night. Tell me your heart stopped beating for mine. Tell me you love her more than you love me and I'll leave, Arizona." Arizona looked up to find those beautiful brown eyes but met teared and puffy red eyes instead. She should stop this game now. "I don't love you, Calliope. I love Joanne. You're my best friend. It was a mistake. I am sorry, Calliope."  
"No...I am sorry, Arizona", she whispered and walked away. "I love you", she got out before tears stopped her voice.  
"I love you too, Calliope", Arizona said as Callie left. "Forever."

_I tried to be normal _

_Get back to my life _

_I smiled at my husband _

_You winked at your wife _

"I did not expect to meet you here", Arizona said as she stood beside Callie who was watching Mark, preparing the BBQ. "I couldn't come up with a good enough reason why we should relocate our vacation. Besides, Mark loves this beach."  
"I am sorry, Calliope."  
"It's okay, Arizona. You don't have to be sorry. You made a decision, maybe it's the best for the both of us."  
"Calliope...", it came out as a whisper.  
"Mark and I are planning to have another baby" she stated.  
"That's...that's great", she answered, but it broke her heart in two. "When?"  
"Soon. We don't want Sofia to get to old."  
"I...I am truly happy for you", the blonde said. Her gaze stuck to the person she called her wife. Her brown hair was up in a strict ponytail, as she was leaning against the fence, chatting with Mark. "Are you planning on having kids?"  
"No. Joanne doesn't want any. And to be honest, I don't know if I want to have a tiny human to take care of after coming home from a whole day at work being there for others kids."  
"Your kids would be beautiful. Little blonde angels with big blue eyes and dimples to die for."  
"Calliope." Her voice broke.  
"It's okay, Arizona. You're married now and I am planning on having another child. Guess, we both finally moved on. "We're still friends, right?"  
"Forever", Callie said and smiled. She would not give up on Arizona. She needed her in her life. If not as her lover than rather as her best friend than not having her at all. She could not shut down her feelings immediately, but she could learn to live with them, maybe even learn to love Mark. They would be both happy. Both married. And she would love her second child. And a third, maybe. Sofia was her sunshine, and she was sure, every child would light up her life.

_I can't help but wonder _

_I can't shake the thought_

_If only we dared If only we fought_

**Summer 2009**

The sound of the waves was the only thing that reached her ear and she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Almost nothing. But this very moment it was all she needed. It meant peace. Freedom. The last years went by with ups and downs. One bad thing followed another and now she finally stood here, inhaling the ocean and letting go of everything. She took the wedding ring from her finger and threw it with all power she had into the open sea. She was free again. She wasn't caught up in her life anymore. Today was the day she got herself back, Miss Calliope Torres. She wasn't Misses Calliope Sloan anymore and it felt so good. She finally got her life back. "What was that?", a voice behind her asked. She turned around and looked straight into those deep blue eyes she hadn't seen in about two years, but were still so familiar. "My wedding ring", she answered. Golden curls were fluttering right before her very eyes, a couple of inches longer than she remembered. "Where's yours?", she asked as she recognized the missing silver ring on Arizona's finger. "Went down almost the same path/way last year as yours did minutes ago."  
The Latina narrowed her eyes.  
"It didn't work. It couldn't ever work out."  
"Arizona..."  
"I love you, Calliope. I have always been in love with you, and I will always be."  
"Why didn't you call me?"  
"I didn't know what to say to you. I made a mistake, Calliope. Well, tons of mistakes, because I am not as perfect as I would like to be. But I couldn't just show up at your door and ruin your life. It didn't seem fair to me. Not before I was truly free and ready to face you. Last time I saw you, you were planning on having another child with Mark. How could I know things had change? Still, I didn't want to ruin a family. Where's Sofia."  
"With Mark."  
"I understand."  
"You don't understand anything, Arizona. Nothing. You can't just show up and tell me you love me. After all these years...why not last year, why not in the years before? Arizona, you had so much time. We...we had so much time. Why now?"  
"I don't have an answer to that, Calliope. But I know that I love you and that I always wanted for you to be happy."  
"But I was happy when you were with me, Arizona."  
"I know that. But you were with Mark. You stayed with Mark."  
"All I needed from you was one word, and I would have-"  
"I know", Arizona interrupted. "But Sofia was born not even a years after you two got married. I didn't want to be the one who took her family away from her."  
"Do you think it's easier for her now that she knows how it is to have a family with one mum and one dad? She's eight years old, Arizona and she just witnessed her parents getting divorced!"  
"No", Arizona answered. "But..."  
"There are not 'buts', Arizona. I am in love with you for more than ten years. And now you're standing in front of me, telling me you're in love with me too, but I don't know if it is right."  
"Nobody knows that, Calliope. I will accept and try to understand every decision you'll make. I will, I really will. But please, please, Calliope, don't hold back because you are scared of what happens with Sofia."  
"We're a package."  
"I know, Calliope." "Arizona." She was searching for the eyes of her best friend. The brightest blue she had ever known and the only real love she had ever known. She didn't want to lie to herself anymore. She didn't want to convince herself anymore, that she had to get over her, that her feelings would fade in time. She couldn't do that. Right now, her feelings crashed down on her, tenfold. They just got stronger with every year.

"Calliope", she made one step towards Callie, her hands reached out to cup the Latinas face. "I love you."  
Callie closed the last bit of distance and kissed her with everything she had. She was not going to let Arizona go. She'd waited so long for this. For her love. For her life. "I love you, too", she whispered, leaning her forehead against Arizona's. "Forever."  
"Forever."

_It wouldn't be perfect _

_These things never are_

_ But it might have felt like love_

**Summer 2011**

With the permission of the state of Washington, I hereby pronounce you Mrs. Calliope Robbins-Torres and Mrs. Arizona Robbins-Torres.

_It really felt like love Indeed_


End file.
